I'm so tired of trying to think of what to blog about. Sure, I could talk about what we've been up to, how life is going, how I'm feeling with all this waiting, what I'm learning, etc., but when I started this blog it was to talk about our adoption process and right now there isn't anything happening. I don't want to keep writing about how we're hangin' in there, how the difficulty comes in waves, how I have no idea what's going to happen or when. I don't know...I guess I'm just frustrated that there's nothing to update you on. I'll keep doing my best, but if I don't post something in a while it's because I just don't know what to say. I did think of something today though...
It's Sunday - and for us it means that we attend church. Oddly enough, I find that being at church has been one of the more difficult things for me for the past while.
I don't know exactly why. Sometimes I'm emotional as I sing - about God's love, faithfulness, peace & strength. Sometimes it's hard to listen to whatever the message is about as it "hits home". Sometimes it's just that aching & longing when I see everyone with their kids (even if it means taking them screaming out of the service!)
I know church is community, but I actually feel very alone a lot of the time because nobody really knows how I'm feeling. They can imagine that it's not easy to wait, but they don't really know the intensity and craziness of all the emotions involved in this process. I don't expect them to. And I'm not looking for anyone to do anything. It's just the way things are.
Today, the message was about faith - believing that God exists and that He cares enough to respond to those who seek Him. I have no doubt that God exists and I believe that He cares more about me than I could ever understand. What I'm having trouble with is continuing to pray through all of this when I feel like it's not making a difference. I know He's listening, but I'm exhausted with pouring out my heart again and again and not hearing anything or seeing any answers.
Even after all of this said, I still wouldn't trade my experience for anything. I know that I am growing in my faith, in my relationships and as a person, which I think will make me a better mom. I also know that God is good. All the time. He is faithful and He WILL answer. When, I don't know, but I will persevere in trust & hopeful anticipation.
It's true that it can feel like a journey that you are walking alone, but there are others who walked before and some beside you that understand the depth of emotions you are feeling. May you have some peace along this journey and some new hope soon. Thinking of you often.
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